Strange things afoot at the IHOP

                My nurse, Kiki and I go out to lunch during the workday. Usually we choose something like a deli, or an upscale chain restaurant like a TGI Chili’s. Today, I exchanged the conventional for a touch of madness as something possessed me and I insisted on IHOP. For the uninitiated, that is the International House of Pancakes, but they serve other stuff too, as I reassured Kiki who had never experienced the glory of IHOP.

                Usually, lunch is an uneventful menagerie of cobb salads and club sandwiches, but apparently, stepping foot into an IHOP is an invitation for the bizarre. The local IHOP was a veritable nexus of the bizarre today. Here are just some things that occurred in a brief forty minutes:

  1. A waitress was just randomly walking around singing the soundtrack to Frozen as if driven to madness by her own personal earwig. Unfortunately, she could have used some auto-tune and she was belting it out at the top of her lungs ignoring the patrons.


  1. One waitress walks by speaking with one of her colleagues about how her boyfriend enjoyed the last of the Twilight franchise even more than she did, and that he watched it at least four times yesterday. I know that I probably should have left it alone at this point, but I couldn’t help myself.


                Me: Are you sure your boyfriend is playing for the same team as you are?


                Waitress: Blank stare, clearly confused (I could actually see the understanding wash over her) “Oh, absolutely, we have been dating for like two months.”


                Me: An unconvinced, “Mmm hmmm”


  1. Overheard from another table:


                Girlfriend:   Do you got any chapstick? My lips are ashy.


                Boyfriend: No


                Girlfriend: You sure you don’t got no chapstick?


                Boyfriend: Yeah


                Girlfriend (at waitress): Can I borrow your chapstick?


                Waitress: (confused pause) Uh…. I don’t have any chapstick. (I can tell you at this point, from the way the waitress paused, that this is clearly a lie, but I don’t blame her one bit. Who would ask to use a stranger’s chapstick? This apparently only happens in the vortex of the IHOP)


  1. While checking out, an ancient shriveled woman in dark glasses hobbles in yelling, “Is there a wait? Is there a wait? I can’t see anything. I had my eyes dilated today. “   All of this was at the top of her lungs. When informed there was a wait, she went back outside, where I swear I witnessed her get back into her boat of a Cad-il-lac car and drive down the street. I had foolishly assumed someone had driven her there if she couldn’t see, but that was incorrect.

                So in conclusion, IHOP is great for people watching during a relaxing weekend brunch, but during a harried work day, it does not make for a relaxing luncheon.


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